Dec 31st 2016 | BAFA Board To Confirm New Year’s Resolutions By October 2017

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BAFA Chairman Martin Cockerill has told Daily Britball that the footballing community will receive news of the governing body’s new year’s resolutions by October 2017.

“Once everything has been ratified, we’ll vote at our half-year meeting in Miami, then we’ll begin drafting everything up.” Cockerill said. “We should have a viable document sometime in October.”

“Make no mistake though.” said Cockerill. “It’s our top priority. Once that’s out in the Autumn, we’ll be able to crack on with the 2016 senior fixtures.”

Dec 30th 2016 | Teammate Announces Plan To Share Every Single NFL Highlight He Can On Sunday Night

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Sussex Thunder center Dave Thompson has told Daily Britball he is going to share “every single highlight I can get my hands on.”

Despite knowing every one of his team mates is watching Red Zone, he is determined to clog up their news feeds with highlight clips produced by NFL, NFL UK, NFL.com and NFL Memes.

“I just desperately need to get across to my teammates that I watch the NFL, and that I understand what’s going on” Thompson told us.

“I know they’ve already seen them live, but I’m going to do it anyway.” confirmed Thompson.

Dec 29th 2016 | OBU Panther Cautiously Suggests Night Out

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Stephen Baker, a first-year inside linebacker at Oxford Brookes has cautiously suggested a team night out.

Sources tell us that older members of the team “visibly flinched” when they saw the message on the team group chat.

“I’m just thinking a quiet one at the union. No cheerleaders, no ramming anything anywhere, and definitely no anal blasting” Baker said.

When Daily Britball asked if the Panthers could commit to not beating up any women, a representative told us “[they] can make no promises”.

28th Dec 2016 | Umenyiora Shitting Himself After Reynoldsgate

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“Oh man, if it gets out, we’re all fucked” former New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora told Daily Britball today.

“It honestly makes the whole Neil Reynolds thing look like a drop in the ocean” he said.

Nervously looking out from a small gap in his curtains, Umenyiora told Daily Britball that “everyone from Jay Ajayi to Efe Obada is involved in this podcast shit”, before claiming he had “already said too much.”

Claims that BAFA staff were witnessed cutting communication lines to Umenyiora’s house can not be verified.

Dec 28th 2016 | Lassus Proposal Becoming More Enticing As Each Day Under BAFA Governance Passes

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A survey of British players and coaches shows that alleged conman Cyrus Lassus’ proposal of the London Jaguars is looking more and more like the best option for football in the UK.

“At least he’s said the money will be spent on kits and stadiums and that” an unnamed coach told us. “He hasn’t even so much as suggested wildly overpaying anybody for occasional podcasts.”

A player told us Lassus “actually responds to questions about his governance on facebook” and that he was “so transparent you could use him as a window.”

“Yeah, now I think about it, he actually seems much better than BAFA” a junior quarterback told us. “And it’s actually much cheaper to go with him.”

Dec 28th 2016 | BAFA To Burn Reynolds In Elliot Hoyte Wickerman When They Catch Him

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A sweating Martin Cockerill confirmed BAFA’s plan to ritualistically burn Neil Reynolds in a “wickerman shaped like our god Elliot Hoyte” as soon as they can locate him.

Reynolds is believed to have fled in a panic last night after revealing his association with BAFA has come to an end.

“The jig is up” said an angry Cockerill. “He said too much, and we’ll have to sacrifice him as soon as we can if even want to think about this 2017 season going ahead.”

Cockerill told us that he wasn’t the original choice for sacrifice, but that plans had “drastically changed over the last 24 hours.”

Other members of the BAFA board were unavailable for comment, but could be seen chanting and dancing frantically around a maypole.

 

Dec 27th 2016 | Reynolds: Home Team Definitely Won At Last Game I Attended

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Sky Sports presenter and the self-proclaimed “BAFA’s biggest fan” Neil Reynolds confirmed “the home team” won the last game he attended.

“It was a thrilling matchup between two opponents, I can say that for sure” said Reynolds.

“I couldn’t believe it. All the passing and catching and guys wearing jerseys of differing colour” the presenter told us. “I go to so many games, but this one, which finished in a result was definitely one of the best. It was a defining moment in the division the two teams are in.”

When we asked Reynolds where he attended the game, he told us “It was either in England or Wales, one of those places.”