Jan 31st 2017 | This Rookie Believes He Can Play Running Back?

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Can you believe it? This guy, Carl something, thinks he can play running back? He’s turned up and said he can play running back!

Unbelievable. This podgy little kid who has never been inside a gym thinks he has what it takes to powerfully burst through punishing lines of huge adult men dozens of times again?

No, no way. Get him out of my sight.

“I think I’ve got what it takes” said Carl Something. “I’ve been watching a load of youtube videos, I definitely think I can start here.”

Something, 23, who works behind the deli at Morrisons, is believed to be unaware the team he joined has a 6 foot 3 physical freak, weighing in at 15 stone with 3% body fat, currently starting at running back.

 

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Jan 30th 2017 | Ohio State Ask Bury Saints For Recruiting Tips

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Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer has made a trip to Suffolk to talk to the Bury Saints to ask for tips on recruiting the best American stars.

“We saw what they were doing here in Bury, with their embarrassment of riches when it came to top American athletes, so I knew we’d have to talk to them” said three time national champion Meyer.

Meyer said a team like Ohio State could only dream to have as many American athletes playing football.

“If we’d had that wide receiver that Bury had, we’d have never lost 31-0 to Clemson” said Meyer.

Jan 28th 2016 | BAFA Investigation Confirms Welwyn Hatfield Mosquitos Are An Actual Thing

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After a long and arduous expedition, representatives of the governing body have made the first human contact with the Welwyn Hatfield Mosquitos, and can confirm they are no longer just a myth.

“It took us weeks of hacking through dense forest, communicating with local guides” said Russ Hewitt. “On the 20th day of the expedition, we saw them.”

Previously, the only account of the Mosquitos was given by the Worcestershire Black Knights, who claimed that they had found evidence of their existence in 2016.

“It’s true. I know you can’t believe that there’s another team that close to London, but yes, there is an actual football team in Welwyn Hatfield, and we’ll be using a series of crude hand signs to accelerate the associate process for them” said Hewitt.

Hewitt later announced an expedition to investigate stone tablets that spoke of a surely fake team called the Somerset Wyverns.

Jan 27th 2017 | Britball Team Announces Lucrative Sponsorship Deal With Social Media Guy’s Plastering Company

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A division one team has, via Facebook, announced a lucrative deal with JM Plastering, the company ran by the team’s social media guy, John McAdey.

Valued at around fuck all per year, the deal, which is believed to have not been approved by any member of the committee, allows the social media executive to put his awful adverts for his plastering company out to the 1360 followers of the team’s page.

“It’s great for the club” says McAdey. “It shows we’re engaged with the local community, especially a company that considers no job too big or too small and can match any quote. You can phone them anytime between 7 in the morning and 6 at night.”

The misspelled announcement confirmed that the sponsorship deal would run for as long as McAdey could be bothered to keep posting on the page.

Jan 26th 2017 | Average Midlands Coach No More Than 2 Hours From Forming His Own Team At Any One Time

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A recent BAFA survey has revealed the average Midlands coach is, at any given time, just two hours away from forming their own team.

“I swear to god, if he tells me the three-cone drill is scheduled AFTER individuals this week, I’m reforming the Sutton Coldfield Royals” said Kev Fraser, Birmingham Bulls running backs coach.

Tamworth Phoenix linebackers coach Carl Fring told Daily Britball. “Last week, Jason Scott told me to use the smaller blocking pads in a drill. Honestly, I started filling in the forms to start the Lichfield Dingos there and then.”

A freedom of information request confirmed that 240 attempts to form their own teams had been made by Midlands coaches in the past 8 days.

Jan 24th 2017 | Record Number Of Naive Rookie Dreams Crushed As Britball Teams Begin Training Camps

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With BAFA confirming that more beginners have joined the sport than ever, experts say that it is likely “record numbers” of dreams have been crushed in the past week,

“Thanks to shows like Hard Knocks, they will have unrealistically high expectations of locker rooms, kit managers, physios and floodlit facilities” said Martin Cockerill, BAFA Chairman.

“They will have quickly learned that unlike the NFL, they are far more likely to encounter a dog running across the field than a local news crew being interested in whatever it is they’re doing.”

Daily Britball spoke to John Jontopolous, a rookie who had previously played rugby.

“I’ve played in some fairly shoddy establishments in my time, so wasn’t expecting much, but I’d have thought that a premier division team wouldn’t have to get changed in the car park.”

Jan 23rd 2017 | Team With 14 Registered Players Has Extensive Range Of Merchandise

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A Britball team with just 14 registered players, 8 of which are believed to be coaches, has a range of merchandising encompassing 150 individual items.

“We know our fans want to buy all of our merchandise” their head coach, chairman, general manager, player’s rep and social media executive told us.

Fans can buy everything from hi-vis jackets emblazoned with the club motto to bumper stickers to a baffling set of drinks coasters with a low resolution image of the team logo on them.

“It’s important to us that our boys and fans can represent the team, really help us get our name out there in the public” the head coach said of the team that would drag themselves through 2 games before inevitably forfeiting and withdrawing from the league.

Jan 21st 2017 | Raiders Submit Plans To Move To Halton

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After meeting with representatives of the Halton Spartans and hearing them prattle on about offering division 2 football in a 13,000 seater stadium, Mark Davis has confirmed the Raiders have proposed a move to Halton.

“It’s true” said owner Davis. “We’re used to playing in spectacularly empty stadiums, and after hearing the guys from Halton talk about how they play in the Select Security Stadium for 9 hours non-stop, we thought it would be a perfect fit.”

Spartans GM Ian Derbyshire told Daily Britball “As you may know, we play at the Select Security Stadium so we had the Raiders over to visit the Select Security Stadium, where we play.”

“At the Select Security Stadium, we’re really looking forward to building a long and fruitful relationship with the soon-to-be Runcorn Raiders at the Select Security Stadium, which is a 13,000 seater, where we play.” Derbyshire said.