May 17th 2017 | Team Discovers Previously Unknown Player On Facebook

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A division 1 team today discovered an entirely unknown player on the team’s player facebook group.

“We were astonished” said chairman Garth Babineaux. “We thought it must be some guy having a laugh, but on further investigation, it turned out he actually did play for us.”

Jake Oakhill, apparently a cornerback, has a 95% training attendance rate, and told Daily Britball he had been present at all four of his teams games so far, but that “nobody really speaks to [him]”.

Carl Foster, a fellow defensive back said “I definitely didn’t know anybody called Jake, but Garth pointed him out on Facebook, and what do you know, there he is, profile picture in the full kit and everything.”

Unfortunately, Babineaux confirmed, that as he is wearing a helmet in his profile picture, nobody is actually sure what Oakhill looks like.

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Breaking | West Coast Trojans push out press release at 1am to once more shift the blame away from Gary McNey’s mismanagement.

Jackson Spunkitt, Special Reporter for Daily Britball: “It seems odd that Baggy was so concerned about player safety, when he had no problem throwing them under the bus when it came to reasons for their forfeit.”

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May 15th 2017 | Player With Union Jack Sticker On Helmet Has Not Played For GB

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Colin Freddo, a 26 year old wide receiver in Division One, has began wearing a Union Jack flag on his helmet despite never being involved with the GB Lions in any capacity whatsoever.

After being accused of intentionally misleading his teammates, Freddo was surrounded by an angry mob before he convinced them it was “just like the NFL players with the American flag”.

Teammate and linebacker Trey Braithwate said “He’s not even good. But even that wouldn’t justify it.”

Swag scientists at the University of Dudley have confirmed that wearing unearned helmet stickers is amongst the gravest of crimes against football fashion, and should be punished by having one finger broken for each violation.

 

2017 Britball Roundup | Week 6

Some shocking results (well, result) in Britball in Week 6. We take you around the country in our roundup.

– The London Warriors allow the Blitz a taste of victory before inevitably defeating them in the Britbowl.
– Questions arise: What will the Blitz celebrate more? Their victory over the Warriors, or their 19-3 win over the Essex Spartans?
– Associate team win! The Morecambe Bay Storm determined not to let Morecambe be known for the deaths of exploited immigrant workers, but instead for slightly above average footballing as they rise to 3-1.
– Farnham Knights tell Daily Britball “the prem is overrated anyway”.
– Our game of the week? Glasgow Tigers 16-3 Clyde Valley, with a grand total of 3 second half points.
– Teams on the “now shit” list: Clyde Valley Blackhawks, London Warriors, Edinburgh Wolves, London Olympians

Associate team going to 3-1? London Warriors lose? We begrudgingly give this week 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5, and only because the South Wales Warriors had to walk to their game.

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May 10th 2017 | Surge Linebacker Behind Phoebe Schecter In Depth Chart Can Never Speak To His Dad Again

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The Staffordshire Surge linebacker who remained on the sidelines as Women’s footballing machine Phoebe Schecter started ahead of him has told Daily Britball of his “deep dread that [his] dad will find out”.

“He’s already called it “rugby for pussies” fifteen times” he said. “If he finds out I’ve been benched for a girl, I’ll never hear the fucking end of it.”

The linebacker said that his dad had seen the score, a 31-0 victory over the Humber Warhawks, and questioned him about his impact at length.

“I managed to dodge the question this time. I just said it was a normal game, nothing special, played it down. If I’m on the bench again next week, I’m probably going to run away for good.”

According to sources, the Linebackers dad laughed heartily for over 20 minutes when he heard the Surge had a female player, before asking probing questions about the shower arrangements for over an hour.