May 10th 2017 | Surge Linebacker Behind Phoebe Schecter In Depth Chart Can Never Speak To His Dad Again

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The Staffordshire Surge linebacker who remained on the sidelines as Women’s footballing machine Phoebe Schecter started ahead of him has told Daily Britball of his “deep dread that [his] dad will find out”.

“He’s already called it “rugby for pussies” fifteen times” he said. “If he finds out I’ve been benched for a girl, I’ll never hear the fucking end of it.”

The linebacker said that his dad had seen the score, a 31-0 victory over the Humber Warhawks, and questioned him about his impact at length.

“I managed to dodge the question this time. I just said it was a normal game, nothing special, played it down. If I’m on the bench again next week, I’m probably going to run away for good.”

According to sources, the Linebackers dad laughed heartily for over 20 minutes when he heard the Surge had a female player, before asking probing questions about the shower arrangements for over an hour.

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Apr 12th 2017 | Britball Breathes Sigh Of Relief At Realisation They Don’t Need To Pretend To Care About Women’s Football Anymore

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Britball as a whole has breathed a sigh of relief at the culmination of the Sapphire Series, knowing they will no longer have to pretend to care.

“It was getting a bit tiring. All those tournaments full of well run teams that know their level. It sickened me.” said Fred Carbon, a coach for one of the women’s teams in London or something.

“Seeing a game that is yet to be ruined by petty, decades old disagreements and ego maniacs convinced their team of 4 players will be the next dynasty” Carbon told us.

A men’s coach from the Midlands told us he was “glad to have half his team back. Their “coaching” experience has been half hearted attempts at pulling the fit ones, so we’re glad they’ve knocked womens on the head in time for the start of the senior season”.

The Sapphire Series, which we presume was won by the Birmingham Lions, went firmly against the grain in British football by not being 100% fucking awful.

11th Mar 2017 | Belief Systems Shattered As Football Revealed To Be “Rugby For Pussies”

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Britballers around the UK today are said to be re-evaluating their decision to remain in the sport as a sporting expert revealed American Football is simply “Rugby for pussies”.

“Why don’t you take off the helmets and shoulder pads?” the academic shouted at a Division One team taking their training session in a local park. “Come and play a real sport” he added.

Ryan Scarborough, a defensive end, told Daily Britball he was “worried for the future.”

“What if this gets out? We’ll look like fools. I’ll need to tell [teammate and running back] Deano that he’s a pussy when he gets out of hospital with his shattered sternum and two broken arms” Scarborough said.

Despite appearing to be completely different games in every aspect, scientists confirmed that the two sports are exactly the same, except that American Footballers wear “unnecessary helmets” because they are “fannies”.

10th Mar 2017 | Non-Physical Trainer Shunned By Women’s Football Community

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Katherine Gideon, an inside linebacker in the Women’s game, was violently shooed away by her teammates when they found out she was a financial administrator and not a professional physical trainer.

“The first few weeks were fine” Gideon told Daily Britball. “I got on really well with them. When they asked me what gym I worked at, I just presume they meant which one I exercised at.”

Eventually, the truth revealed itself, and Gideon hastily escaped before things got violent.

“One of them said they had a troublesome client. I told them I’d had a horrible week as we approached year end at the office supplies company I worked at. You could’ve heard a pin drop” said Gideon.

BAFA chair Martin Cockerill told Daily Britball “The women’s game is growing rapidly, but we still need to do more for diversity. We’re aiming for 10% of women’s participants to be working outside of a gym by 2022.”

Feb 4th 2017 | Nobody Has Willingly Played O-Line Since 1988

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The last player to willingly play on the o-line retired in 1988, it has been confirmed today.

With countless tight ends and nose tackles cajoled into playing the most boring position in football, an investigation found it has been 29 years since the last player who wanted to play on the o-line, Graham Spunge, kitted up for the Streatham Olympians.

Brett Boyle, a right tackle for the Gateshead Senators told Daily Britball “I turned up to play tight end. I had pretty good hands but wasn’t fast enough to be a receiver. A few sessions in, I heard the coaches pointing at me and muttering. I could only pick out the odd word like “fat” and “get him snapping” and I knew it was the beginning of the end”.

An expert said “To put it simply, if you want to play on the d-line or as a tight end, and are over 6 foot and/or 14 stone, you’ll need to tell your coaches that you want to play wide receiver or cornerback. You need to maintain at least two positions of separation from o-line. That should get you at least two years at your desired position”.