As punishment for his sins, Kelly is being forced to toil the offensive line for an indefinite period of time.
Well, did this week of Britball live up to its dramatic start? Let’s look at the stories around the league.
– West Coast Trojans HC Gary McNey is either a fucking liar, or a leader with historically bad levels of incompetence. Anyone defending him at this point is lying to themselves. Our comiserations to the Manchester Titans and West Coast players expecting a game today.
– Leicester lost. So there’s that.
– Associate team win! The Worcester Black Knights put one on the Torbay Trojans. Don’t expect a write up from the Trojans.
– Here are the teams you thought were good, but are actually shit this week: Bury Saints, Portsmouth Dreadnoughts, Ouse Valley Eagles, Newcastle Vikings.
– Our game of the week? Nottingham Caesars 13-6 Coventry Jets.
This is a tough one. Baggy at the heart of drama, games cancelled… even with an associate team winning, we give this a stunning 5 Russ Hewitts out of 5.
A few shocking results around the league. Let’s take a look at the stories behind the stories.
– London Warriors shit now after they only beat Farnham by twenty points. Double Coverage writers break speed of sound racing to their laptops to predict that Tamworth win it all this year.
– The following teams you thought were good are now also shit: Solent Thrashers, Kent Exiles and Chester Romans.
– Leicester Falcons vs Coventry Jets remained very close, suspiciously until half time, when Guy Kersey will have had time to speak to Coventry’s remaining two good players.
– South Wales’ post-season ban for dropping down a league officially no longer matters after they drop to 0-3.
– Scorestream seems to be stuck on ‘0’ next to the Birmingham Bulls logo. We’ve contacted their support team.
With zero good performances around the league, and a number of traditionally powerful teams continuing their free fall to Britball’s murky sewers, we give this week 3 Russ Hewitts out of 5.
THE TRANSFER BOWL
This weekend sees the team that used to pay players take on the team that used to pay players and still does in what is sure to be a quality matchup between a team of professionals not good enough to play for Tamworth and a group of kids that own Madden who just lost 71-0.
KEYS TO THE GAME
– Let’s hope Guy Kersey has paid for everybody’s petrol so that the Falcons can actually get to the ground. Well, for those players that don’t already live in Coventry, that is.
– Have the Falcons settled on which one of their nine paid quarterbacks will see the field? You know the old saying, if you’re paying for two quarterbacks, you aren’t really paying for any.
– With Josh Cooper suspended as per the latest BAFRA newsflash, just how many quarters will he last before opening negotiations with Guy Kersey?
– How many minutes will it take for the Falcons management to fill in the application to return to division 2 at the end of the game?
– Will the Jets forfeit in the 3rd quarter or 4th quarter?
– Will the British American Football Association ever actually do anything about the rampant violations of amateurism in our league?
Whether the L€i¢£$t€r Falcons win, or the hopeless Coventry Jets win, Britball loses.
And yes, of course, Guy Kersey is settling his outstanding debts with the Jets.
Players in Sheffield are said to be “shocked and upset” at the realisation that every team somehow shitter than the Giants were relegated in previous seasons.
Now that the Rams, Bulls, Senators, Mustangs, Caesars and Jets all play in the second tier or lower, there is literally nobody left to be relegated before the Giants.
“Oh fuck” said Will Reynolds, punter for the Giants, looking over the Northern Premier table. “Is there even any point in playing this season?”
Giants players were said to be buoyed when they were told that relegation would likely mean far fewer trips to Scotland.
Contemptible flat cap affiliate Guy Kersey has confirmed that the Leicester Falcons have officially folded ahead of their 2017 season opener.
“We looked at some of the teams and realised that we might actually concede, and god forbid, score less than 40 points” Kersey told Daily Britball from his gingerbread house. “On that basis, we thought it best that we just fold, reform next year and win a division 2 championship.”
The Coventry Jets will be boosted by the news that 65 of their former players are now free to return to their former club, but economic experts have warned that the hole in the local economy left by the Falcons could devastate Leicestershire “for decades”.
– Distributors cannot keep up with demand for DVDs of the Ipswich Cardinals 6-0 victory over the East Essex Sabres.
– London Warriors forget they had a game this week, and only turned up at half time. Final result, London Warriors 57-21 Bury Saints.
– 4,000 people vow never to watch American Football ever again after watching the Newcastle Vikings take a 3-0 victory over the Yorkshire Rams at the John Charles Centre.
– Oxford Saints’ new uniform somehow fails to stop them falling 35-8 to the Sussex Thunder.
– Hertfordshire Cheetahs showing just how bad Division Two actually is.
– Leicester Falcons to lower asking price for Coventry Jets players as they fall to 71-0 defeat to the Sandwell Steelers.
So, with four games finishing with 14 points or less, a team losing 71-0 and the London Warriors mopping the floor with some of their closest competition, we give Week 2 a whopping 4 Russ Hewitts out of 5.
Graham Corksley, a retired post-office worker, 79 from Nuneaton told Daily Britball his grandchildren do not believe the Coventry Jets ever won the Britbowl, no matter how much he insists it is true.
Taking care of his six grandchildren on Saturday, they gathered around Graham for storytime, but their youthful glee turned to disappointment as they believed he was lying to them once more.
“Grandpa always exaggerates his stories” said Timmy Corksley, 8. “He told us he shot Hitler. When we said he told us he was in London when Hitler died, he said he did it with an experimental sniper rifle that could shoot 2,000 miles.”
His brother, Billy, told Daily Britball “We’re used to that shite pouring out of his mouth, so you could imagine how we felt when he told us that Coventry made 4 Britbowls in a row and actually won it once. Not only that but he said they were called the ‘Cassidy Jets’. We’ve told mum he needs to be in a home.”
“There’s no way Coventry could’ve made a Britbowl” said Billy. “Not unless they had a lot of money…”