May 15th 2017 | Player With Union Jack Sticker On Helmet Has Not Played For GB

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Colin Freddo, a 26 year old wide receiver in Division One, has began wearing a Union Jack flag on his helmet despite never being involved with the GB Lions in any capacity whatsoever.

After being accused of intentionally misleading his teammates, Freddo was surrounded by an angry mob before he convinced them it was “just like the NFL players with the American flag”.

Teammate and linebacker Trey Braithwate said “He’s not even good. But even that wouldn’t justify it.”

Swag scientists at the University of Dudley have confirmed that wearing unearned helmet stickers is amongst the gravest of crimes against football fashion, and should be punished by having one finger broken for each violation.

 

Jan 14th 2017 | Disappointed First Timer Realises GB Coaches Are Not Gods On Earth

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Derek Kerr, a first timer at GB trials has revealed his disappointment to Daily Britball that the GB coaches “were just normal guys”.

“They’re just coaches” Kerr said. “They’re not even anything special. We just did the same stuff we do at my club, and we’re shit.”

Telling us he expecting “inimitable footballing knowledge”, he revealed that GB was just as slapdash as his regular training, and has slipped into a deep depression at the realisation that even the peak of the sport in his country is remarkably shit.

“I can’t believe I drove to Sheffield for this.”

Jan 13th 2017 | GB Raise Hopes Of Hapless Kicker In Full Knowledge They Will Not Spend Roster Space On Him

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A kicker has been invited to the GB trials in Sheffield on Saturday, despite the coaches knowing there is absolutely no way they are using a roster space on a placekicker.

Brent Clark, described as “money” by his Special Teams coach was thought to be “optimistic” ahead of Saturday. Clark, one of Britain’s best kickers in 2016, went 4 of 28 with a long of 19 yards last season.

“He’s a wide receiver too, right?” GB Head Coach Michael Callan asked Daily Britball. “Or some kind of safety? What? He’s just a kicker? No way. No way.”

“Does he play for the Blitz? He can hit 50 of 50 on Saturday if he wants, he’s not getting in.”

Jan 12th 2017 | Britballer’s Highlight Tape Just Every Play He Was Involved In

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Teammates of Yorkshire Rams wide receiver Doug Furr have told Daily Britball that his highlight tape was “literally every play he was involved in.”

“When I saw it was 8 minutes long, I was shocked” said a teammate, who wished to remain anonymous. “As I watched, I realised his idea of a highlight was extremely liberal.

The teammate watched Furr’s whole season unfold over eight minutes, as the receiver accumulated 22 catches for 212 yards and 2 touchdowns.

“Watch this bit here” he told Daily Britball. “A little hook route for four yards before he was tackled immediately. And this bit. A catch that he completed but was actually out of bounds.”

“I just hope this isn’t the tape he sent to GB.” Daily Britball was later able to confirm that it was.

Jan 11th 2017 | Michael Callan Was Basis For All 80’s Movie Nerds In The US

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Daily Britball has stumbled upon shocking evidence that reveals GB head coach Michael Callan was considered so stereotypically frail and awkward in his home country that he was the basis for all nerds in 80’s movies.

Chad Brettburger, a classmate of Callan’s in the US told us he was shocked that “Chess Club Cally” had risen to head coach of the national team in the UK.

“This guy used to go really hard on the inhaler” Brettburger told us. “We actually stopped flushing his head down the toilets because he’d get through two or three inhalers in an hour afterwards.”

“He used to hang around the football team, shouting stuff like “good game guys” after we won. Eventually, we let him clean the gatorade containers.” said Brettburger.

“Eventually, John Hughes found out about him, and thought he perfectly represented the pitiful creatures he wanted as the butt of the jokes in his iconic movies.”

Jan 10th 2017 | Britballer Without GB Positional Coach On Facebook Has 0% Chance Of Making 75-Man Roster

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After revealing he had not added a single GB positional coach on Facebook, heartbroken tight end Harry Poole was told he has “virtually no chance” at making the roster.

“I didn’t think it would matter” Poole told Daily Britball. “I thought it would all be decided on the field.”

Poole, who had 340 receptions for 6,080 yards and 49 touchdowns in Division One in 2016 is currently believed to be ranked behind massively inferior players who went to the same university as the GB Tight Ends coach.

“I hardly go on Facebook” Poole said. “I can’t be arsed with all this brown nosing”

Poole later confirmed he had effectively retired from international consideration, saying he “couldn’t be arsed to try and find the coach’s name on the BAFA website.”

Jan 5th 2017 | Women’s Football Glad To Finally Have Enough Players To Actually Be Able To Say No To Some National Team Applicants

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Head Coach Jim Messenger has told Daily Britball of his delight that there are finally enough players in the women’s game for his staff to be selective for the national team.

“It’s a good feeling to be able to tell some of these players “no”” said Coach Messenger. “We used to get the guys at Football America to phone us whenever they sold a set of women’s pads.”

With the 41st player, Ellie Scratching, registering for the Hertfordshire Tornadoes, it means the days of automatic qualification for the national team are now over.

“I can’t wait to write that one email turning somebody down. It’s been a long time coming” said Messenger.

Messenger assured Daily Britball that playing for the Birmingham Lions still ensures a guaranteed place on the GB Lions.

Dec 22nd 2016 | GB Women To “Just Not Bother” When Jo Kilby Retires

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GB Women’s Head Coach Jim Messenger has confirmed to Daily Britball that he has an agreement with BAFA to just stop women’s international football altogether when quarterback Jo Kilby retires.

“It doesn’t even bear thinking about” said a sniffling Messenger. “But there will come a day when she hangs up her boots”.

“I can’t envisage us ever winning another game without her, it’d be suicide to even think about carrying on” Messenger told us. “I’ve told BAFA to just not bother.”

Martin Cockerill told us that a hysterical Messenger had spoken to him briefly, but was unsure of any agreement, adding that BAFA’s plan for GB women’s success is to just bank on Kilby “playing forever”.

Dec 16th 2016 | GB Hopeful Confident He Can Increase Bench By 70kg Over Christmas Break

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Colchester Gladiators safety Evan Green told Daily Britball he has “no concerns whatsoever” about benching 100kg for reps if he is invited to the GB tryouts in January.

“I managed 5 reps of 30kg at a gym the other day” Green said. “It’s not exactly what they want, but there’s still a month to go.”

Green said he had joined a gym recently as he was “taking football seriously from now on.”

“I told Coach Callan that I could do 14 reps of 100 on the bench” said Green. “How hard can it be to get up to that in a month?”

Green, who played 23 snaps for the Gladiators in 2016 added that he could “easily run a 4.4 on a dry day.”