2017 Britball Roundup | Week 2

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– Distributors cannot keep up with demand for DVDs of the Ipswich Cardinals 6-0 victory over the East Essex Sabres.
– London Warriors forget they had a game this week, and only turned up at half time. Final result, London Warriors 57-21 Bury Saints.
– 4,000 people vow never to watch American Football ever again after watching the Newcastle Vikings take a 3-0 victory over the Yorkshire Rams at the John Charles Centre.
– Oxford Saints’ new uniform somehow fails to stop them falling 35-8 to the Sussex Thunder.
– Hertfordshire Cheetahs showing just how bad Division Two actually is.
– Leicester Falcons to lower asking price for Coventry Jets players as they fall to 71-0 defeat to the Sandwell Steelers.

So, with four games finishing with 14 points or less, a team losing 71-0 and the London Warriors mopping the floor with some of their closest competition, we give Week 2 a whopping 4 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

Predictions | 2017 Adult Division Two

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Yes. Apparently it isn’t made up. There really is a division below division one. And now the experts at Daily Britball have taken time out of their hectic schedule of shit stirring to tell you exactly what’s going to happen.

Trainspotting Conference | After being unable to find a coach driver willing to do the driving, the Aberdeen Roughnecks pull out of the league. Naturally Clyde Valley pull out, and nobody believes the Dumfries Hunters are a real team, leaving Glasgow Tigers to win division title by default.

Waste Of Time Conference | Whoever wins this division, Britball loses. Only one game actually gets played as every team forfeits every game. The Leeds Bobcats beat the Morecambe Bay Storm by over 300 points to claim the title.

Jobseekers’ Allowance Conference | Chester walk the division to inevitably get relegated in 2018. Crewe Railroaders are plucky enough that a low budget film about them will be made in 2048. The Lincolnshire Bombers somehow finish the season 0-25.

Wurzel Conference | Despite being the only team without receivers with 15 fingers in the division, the Bristol Apache win after several Aztec players mistakenly play a season for them. Forty-nine more players, one being a rookie who simply paid his subs on time, are inducted into the Cornish Sharks Hall Of Fame.

South South South South | The Maidstone Pumas win the division because that’s the name we drew out of the hat. A record six passes are completed in a season across all teams. Everybody starts thinking the Cheetahs are good again until they step back and appreciate who they’re actually playing.

Pretending We’re Not In London Conference | Bored of finishing second in the Prem, Josh Adamson leads a group of A-team players to the London Blitz B where they proceed to literally murder upwards of 40 hapless opponents. Wembley Stallions achieve record attendances thanks to some mistaken people googling “american football wembley”.