2017 Britball Roundup | Week 5

Image may contain: one or more people, people playing sport, american football and outdoor

Well, did this week of Britball live up to its dramatic start? Let’s look at the stories around the league.

– West Coast Trojans HC Gary McNey is either a fucking liar, or a leader with historically bad levels of incompetence. Anyone defending him at this point is lying to themselves. Our comiserations to the Manchester Titans and West Coast players expecting a game today.
– Leicester lost. So there’s that.
– Associate team win! The Worcester Black Knights put one on the Torbay Trojans. Don’t expect a write up from the Trojans.
– Here are the teams you thought were good, but are actually shit this week: Bury Saints, Portsmouth Dreadnoughts, Ouse Valley Eagles, Newcastle Vikings.
– Our game of the week? Nottingham Caesars 13-6 Coventry Jets.

This is a tough one. Baggy at the heart of drama, games cancelled… even with an associate team winning, we give this a stunning 5 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

Breaking | As rules governing amateurism in British football continue to be violated, Daily Britball’s scientists look at which teams are at the greatest risk of Kersification in the near future.

Image may contain: text

It’s too late for anybody residing in the inner ring. They are already getting “petrol expenses” paid for. Those in the orange ring are already engaged in active discussion about how they’re going to getpaid without the other players finding out.

Lastly, in the outer circle, we’ve identified three teams who appear decent but are crucially still shitter than Leicester, meaning that any and all players from the Ouse Valley Eagles, Cambridgeshire Cats and Shropshire Revolution will all transfer to the Falcons by 2019.

2017 Britball Roundup | Week 4

Image may contain: one or more people, people playing sport and outdoor

A few shocking results around the league. Let’s take a look at the stories behind the stories.

– London Warriors shit now after they only beat Farnham by twenty points. Double Coverage writers break speed of sound racing to their laptops to predict that Tamworth win it all this year.
– The following teams you thought were good are now also shit: Solent Thrashers, Kent Exiles and Chester Romans.
– Leicester Falcons vs Coventry Jets remained very close, suspiciously until half time, when Guy Kersey will have had time to speak to Coventry’s remaining two good players.
– South Wales’ post-season ban for dropping down a league officially no longer matters after they drop to 0-3.
– Scorestream seems to be stuck on ‘0’ next to the Birmingham Bulls logo. We’ve contacted their support team.

With zero good performances around the league, and a number of traditionally powerful teams continuing their free fall to Britball’s murky sewers, we give this week 3 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

Breaking | The Transfer Bowl

Image may contain: text

THE TRANSFER BOWL

This weekend sees the team that used to pay players take on the team that used to pay players and still does in what is sure to be a quality matchup between a team of professionals not good enough to play for Tamworth and a group of kids that own Madden who just lost 71-0.

KEYS TO THE GAME
– Let’s hope Guy Kersey has paid for everybody’s petrol so that the Falcons can actually get to the ground. Well, for those players that don’t already live in Coventry, that is.
– Have the Falcons settled on which one of their nine paid quarterbacks will see the field? You know the old saying, if you’re paying for two quarterbacks, you aren’t really paying for any.
– With Josh Cooper suspended as per the latest BAFRA newsflash, just how many quarters will he last before opening negotiations with Guy Kersey?
– How many minutes will it take for the Falcons management to fill in the application to return to division 2 at the end of the game?
– Will the Jets forfeit in the 3rd quarter or 4th quarter?
– Will the British American Football Association ever actually do anything about the rampant violations of amateurism in our league?

OUR PREDICTION?
Whether the L€i¢£$t€r Falcons win, or the hopeless Coventry Jets win, Britball loses.

Apr 17th 2017 | Leicester Falcons Fold In Fear That They May Concede A Single Point In 2017

Image may contain: one or more people

Contemptible flat cap affiliate Guy Kersey has confirmed that the Leicester Falcons have officially folded ahead of their 2017 season opener.

“We looked at some of the teams and realised that we might actually concede, and god forbid, score less than 40 points” Kersey told Daily Britball from his gingerbread house. “On that basis, we thought it best that we just fold, reform next year and win a division 2 championship.”

The Coventry Jets will be boosted by the news that 65 of their former players are now free to return to their former club, but economic experts have warned that the hole in the local economy left by the Falcons could devastate Leicestershire “for decades”.

2017 Britball Roundup | Week 2

Image may contain: 1 person, playing a sport, american football and outdoor

– Distributors cannot keep up with demand for DVDs of the Ipswich Cardinals 6-0 victory over the East Essex Sabres.
– London Warriors forget they had a game this week, and only turned up at half time. Final result, London Warriors 57-21 Bury Saints.
– 4,000 people vow never to watch American Football ever again after watching the Newcastle Vikings take a 3-0 victory over the Yorkshire Rams at the John Charles Centre.
– Oxford Saints’ new uniform somehow fails to stop them falling 35-8 to the Sussex Thunder.
– Hertfordshire Cheetahs showing just how bad Division Two actually is.
– Leicester Falcons to lower asking price for Coventry Jets players as they fall to 71-0 defeat to the Sandwell Steelers.

So, with four games finishing with 14 points or less, a team losing 71-0 and the London Warriors mopping the floor with some of their closest competition, we give Week 2 a whopping 4 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

Predictions | 2017 Adult Division One

Image may contain: 1 person, playing a sport, american football and outdoor

North North North North North North | We actually predicted that Yorkshire would win this by virtue of having the best empty stadium in the division, but then we realised Baggy would just act like the Trojans won on their 2018 recruiting flyers anyway, so we just gave it to them.

We’ll Start Our Own Team With Blackjack And Hookers Conference | This Prediction Sponsored By Kersey’s The Carington Arms Pub In Leicestershire.

The Falcons go undefeated. In fact, they don’t even give up a single point. And they don’t pay players at all. And AJ Mepstead is a great bloke. The Birmingham Bulls wake up one day to find that literally everything, down to the very blades of grass at their home ground have been picked clean by their local rivals. Twenty four new associate teams are created in the region.

SFC 1 Central | Literally nobody cared about this division enough to write anything.

Neil Reynolds Memorial Division | The London Olympians get off to a dodgy start, and the Exiles look to be running away, until Cyrus Lassus turns up, having worked in the off-season with his pal Peyton Manning, and leads the Olympians to a division title, throwing 85 TDs and just 1 INT (which he threw on purpose) along the way.