2017 Britball Roundup | Week 6

Some shocking results (well, result) in Britball in Week 6. We take you around the country in our roundup.

– The London Warriors allow the Blitz a taste of victory before inevitably defeating them in the Britbowl.
– Questions arise: What will the Blitz celebrate more? Their victory over the Warriors, or their 19-3 win over the Essex Spartans?
– Associate team win! The Morecambe Bay Storm determined not to let Morecambe be known for the deaths of exploited immigrant workers, but instead for slightly above average footballing as they rise to 3-1.
– Farnham Knights tell Daily Britball “the prem is overrated anyway”.
– Our game of the week? Glasgow Tigers 16-3 Clyde Valley, with a grand total of 3 second half points.
– Teams on the “now shit” list: Clyde Valley Blackhawks, London Warriors, Edinburgh Wolves, London Olympians

Associate team going to 3-1? London Warriors lose? We begrudgingly give this week 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5, and only because the South Wales Warriors had to walk to their game.

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Breaking | Last British man alive when a non-London team last won the Britbowl, Clarence Bigby, dies aged 109 at his home in Liverpool.

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Clarence’s family told Daily Britball that he regularly spoke of the “amazing things he’d lived through. The dawn of flight, the birth of global communication, the space race and the internet age” but that he was most amazed he was alive to see “someone other than the Warriors or Blitz win a national championship”.

Apr 7th 2017 | Prem North Begins Annual Tradition Of Kidding Themselves

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Teams across the Northern half of the country will soon begin the annual tradition of kidding themselves that one of them will make the Britbowl, and maybe even win it.

The tradition, which is usually marked by Double Coverage suggesting it is either the Tamworth Phoenix or East Kilbride Pirates’ year, begins around mid-spring, and preparations have been underway since mid-winter, with teams taking practice extra seriously on this basis that “London can’t win forever.”

Jack Lugnut, wide receiver for the Merseyside Nighthawks, told Daily Britball “I can’t wait to get underway. It’s going to be so exciting when we go on a five game winning streak and every smart arse around the country tells us we can win it all this year.”

Coaches play along with the tradition, and assure their players they really can win a national championship, even allowing their players to leave a pile of money for former Britbowl-winning Coventry Cassidy Jets quarterback Dax Michelena and some milk for his reindeer.

Predictions | 2017 Adult Division Two

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Yes. Apparently it isn’t made up. There really is a division below division one. And now the experts at Daily Britball have taken time out of their hectic schedule of shit stirring to tell you exactly what’s going to happen.

Trainspotting Conference | After being unable to find a coach driver willing to do the driving, the Aberdeen Roughnecks pull out of the league. Naturally Clyde Valley pull out, and nobody believes the Dumfries Hunters are a real team, leaving Glasgow Tigers to win division title by default.

Waste Of Time Conference | Whoever wins this division, Britball loses. Only one game actually gets played as every team forfeits every game. The Leeds Bobcats beat the Morecambe Bay Storm by over 300 points to claim the title.

Jobseekers’ Allowance Conference | Chester walk the division to inevitably get relegated in 2018. Crewe Railroaders are plucky enough that a low budget film about them will be made in 2048. The Lincolnshire Bombers somehow finish the season 0-25.

Wurzel Conference | Despite being the only team without receivers with 15 fingers in the division, the Bristol Apache win after several Aztec players mistakenly play a season for them. Forty-nine more players, one being a rookie who simply paid his subs on time, are inducted into the Cornish Sharks Hall Of Fame.

South South South South | The Maidstone Pumas win the division because that’s the name we drew out of the hat. A record six passes are completed in a season across all teams. Everybody starts thinking the Cheetahs are good again until they step back and appreciate who they’re actually playing.

Pretending We’re Not In London Conference | Bored of finishing second in the Prem, Josh Adamson leads a group of A-team players to the London Blitz B where they proceed to literally murder upwards of 40 hapless opponents. Wembley Stallions achieve record attendances thanks to some mistaken people googling “american football wembley”.

Jan 1st 2017 | Mystic Meg Warns 2017 Much The Same As 2016 For Britball

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Famous ball-gazer Mystic Meg has warned the Britball community not to expect any better in 2017.

“It’s going to be much the same this year as the last” Meg told Daily Britball.

“You know how it’s going to go. The Warriors will beat the Blitz in the Britbowl. Tamworth are going to have a whole slew of wank hashtags starting with “ph”. The fixtures will come out with about two weeks notice and somebody will end up in a completely inappropriate division” she said.

“You know the drill. Someone like Maidstone will give it large before promptly forfeiting three quarters of their games. Baggy will chat a load of shit on Facebook.” the mystic added. “I wish I could say it’s going to better this year, but I can’t lie. That sponsorship with a local burger restaurant you think is going to make your team a contender? Nope.”

“And no, no matter how much you think it, you won’t make GB this year either.”

Dec 26th 2016 | No Players Left In British Premier Division

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A representative from Europlayers has told Daily Britball that there are now no more players left in the British Premier Division, sparking a crisis ahead of the 2017 season.

After Tamworth Phoenix safety Will Hobbs confirmed he would be playing in Switzerland, the player portal confirmed he was the last player left in the top flight in Britain.

“Mr. Hobbs’ departure has left Britball in a pickle” said Remi Trumpette of Europlayers. “There are now actually no players remaining to take part in any fixtures whatsoever.”

Facing the horrific prospect of second tier players getting any attention whatsoever, Russ Hewitt of the British American Football Association has confirmed the organisation has it under control.

“Do not worry” Hewitt said. “We have already put in place several measures to ensure that the London Warriors will defeat the London Blitz in the Britbowl, with or without any players taking part.”

Dec 14th 2016 | Youth Player Grinding 94% Less Than Claimed

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London Blitz youth defensive end Clarence Wine-Gumm, 15 made extensive claims on his instagram profile that he “grinds 100% of the time”.

However, a BAFA investigation found Wine-Gumm ground at a peak rate of 6% at best.

Russ Hewitt said “We are now looking at the punishments we can place on Clarence and his team. This is simply unacceptable.”

Hewitt clarified that exaggerated grinding claims can carry a two-game ban, but if it is found that Wine-Gumm used the bicep emoji without having ever set foot in a gym, then a season long ban is not out of the question.