2017 Britball Roundup | Week 6

Some shocking results (well, result) in Britball in Week 6. We take you around the country in our roundup.

– The London Warriors allow the Blitz a taste of victory before inevitably defeating them in the Britbowl.
– Questions arise: What will the Blitz celebrate more? Their victory over the Warriors, or their 19-3 win over the Essex Spartans?
– Associate team win! The Morecambe Bay Storm determined not to let Morecambe be known for the deaths of exploited immigrant workers, but instead for slightly above average footballing as they rise to 3-1.
– Farnham Knights tell Daily Britball “the prem is overrated anyway”.
– Our game of the week? Glasgow Tigers 16-3 Clyde Valley, with a grand total of 3 second half points.
– Teams on the “now shit” list: Clyde Valley Blackhawks, London Warriors, Edinburgh Wolves, London Olympians

Associate team going to 3-1? London Warriors lose? We begrudgingly give this week 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5, and only because the South Wales Warriors had to walk to their game.

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Predictions | 2017 Adult Division One

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North North North North North North | We actually predicted that Yorkshire would win this by virtue of having the best empty stadium in the division, but then we realised Baggy would just act like the Trojans won on their 2018 recruiting flyers anyway, so we just gave it to them.

We’ll Start Our Own Team With Blackjack And Hookers Conference | This Prediction Sponsored By Kersey’s The Carington Arms Pub In Leicestershire.

The Falcons go undefeated. In fact, they don’t even give up a single point. And they don’t pay players at all. And AJ Mepstead is a great bloke. The Birmingham Bulls wake up one day to find that literally everything, down to the very blades of grass at their home ground have been picked clean by their local rivals. Twenty four new associate teams are created in the region.

SFC 1 Central | Literally nobody cared about this division enough to write anything.

Neil Reynolds Memorial Division | The London Olympians get off to a dodgy start, and the Exiles look to be running away, until Cyrus Lassus turns up, having worked in the off-season with his pal Peyton Manning, and leads the Olympians to a division title, throwing 85 TDs and just 1 INT (which he threw on purpose) along the way.

Feb 4th 2017 | Nobody Has Willingly Played O-Line Since 1988

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The last player to willingly play on the o-line retired in 1988, it has been confirmed today.

With countless tight ends and nose tackles cajoled into playing the most boring position in football, an investigation found it has been 29 years since the last player who wanted to play on the o-line, Graham Spunge, kitted up for the Streatham Olympians.

Brett Boyle, a right tackle for the Gateshead Senators told Daily Britball “I turned up to play tight end. I had pretty good hands but wasn’t fast enough to be a receiver. A few sessions in, I heard the coaches pointing at me and muttering. I could only pick out the odd word like “fat” and “get him snapping” and I knew it was the beginning of the end”.

An expert said “To put it simply, if you want to play on the d-line or as a tight end, and are over 6 foot and/or 14 stone, you’ll need to tell your coaches that you want to play wide receiver or cornerback. You need to maintain at least two positions of separation from o-line. That should get you at least two years at your desired position”.

Dec 17th 2016 | London Olympians Wake Up From Terrifying Nightmare

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Olympians DB Tosin Dawudu told Daily Britball that he and his teammates just woke up from a “bizarre bad dream”.

Dawudu claims that in the horrifying dream world, the 13x British Champions and 2x European Champions went 0-10 in a season where they forfeited multiple games.

“I woke up covered in sweat” said Dawudu. “I’ve struggled to sleep since..”

Dawudu claimed he suffered the indignity of finishing below even the South Wales Warriors and were relegated to the second tier. Dawudu was “disturbed” when he found out all his teammates had “exactly the same dream.”

“Can you imagine how scary that would be if it was real?” Dawudu asked.