Some shocking results (well, result) in Britball in Week 6. We take you around the country in our roundup.
– The London Warriors allow the Blitz a taste of victory before inevitably defeating them in the Britbowl.
– Questions arise: What will the Blitz celebrate more? Their victory over the Warriors, or their 19-3 win over the Essex Spartans?
– Associate team win! The Morecambe Bay Storm determined not to let Morecambe be known for the deaths of exploited immigrant workers, but instead for slightly above average footballing as they rise to 3-1.
– Farnham Knights tell Daily Britball “the prem is overrated anyway”.
– Our game of the week? Glasgow Tigers 16-3 Clyde Valley, with a grand total of 3 second half points.
– Teams on the “now shit” list: Clyde Valley Blackhawks, London Warriors, Edinburgh Wolves, London Olympians
Associate team going to 3-1? London Warriors lose? We begrudgingly give this week 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5, and only because the South Wales Warriors had to walk to their game.
A few shocking results around the league. Let’s take a look at the stories behind the stories.
– London Warriors shit now after they only beat Farnham by twenty points. Double Coverage writers break speed of sound racing to their laptops to predict that Tamworth win it all this year.
– The following teams you thought were good are now also shit: Solent Thrashers, Kent Exiles and Chester Romans.
– Leicester Falcons vs Coventry Jets remained very close, suspiciously until half time, when Guy Kersey will have had time to speak to Coventry’s remaining two good players.
– South Wales’ post-season ban for dropping down a league officially no longer matters after they drop to 0-3.
– Scorestream seems to be stuck on ‘0’ next to the Birmingham Bulls logo. We’ve contacted their support team.
With zero good performances around the league, and a number of traditionally powerful teams continuing their free fall to Britball’s murky sewers, we give this week 3 Russ Hewitts out of 5.
Clarence’s family told Daily Britball that he regularly spoke of the “amazing things he’d lived through. The dawn of flight, the birth of global communication, the space race and the internet age” but that he was most amazed he was alive to see “someone other than the Warriors or Blitz win a national championship”.
– Distributors cannot keep up with demand for DVDs of the Ipswich Cardinals 6-0 victory over the East Essex Sabres.
– London Warriors forget they had a game this week, and only turned up at half time. Final result, London Warriors 57-21 Bury Saints.
– 4,000 people vow never to watch American Football ever again after watching the Newcastle Vikings take a 3-0 victory over the Yorkshire Rams at the John Charles Centre.
– Oxford Saints’ new uniform somehow fails to stop them falling 35-8 to the Sussex Thunder.
– Hertfordshire Cheetahs showing just how bad Division Two actually is.
– Leicester Falcons to lower asking price for Coventry Jets players as they fall to 71-0 defeat to the Sandwell Steelers.
So, with four games finishing with 14 points or less, a team losing 71-0 and the London Warriors mopping the floor with some of their closest competition, we give Week 2 a whopping 4 Russ Hewitts out of 5.
Teams across the Northern half of the country will soon begin the annual tradition of kidding themselves that one of them will make the Britbowl, and maybe even win it.
The tradition, which is usually marked by Double Coverage suggesting it is either the Tamworth Phoenix or East Kilbride Pirates’ year, begins around mid-spring, and preparations have been underway since mid-winter, with teams taking practice extra seriously on this basis that “London can’t win forever.”
Jack Lugnut, wide receiver for the Merseyside Nighthawks, told Daily Britball “I can’t wait to get underway. It’s going to be so exciting when we go on a five game winning streak and every smart arse around the country tells us we can win it all this year.”
Coaches play along with the tradition, and assure their players they really can win a national championship, even allowing their players to leave a pile of money for former Britbowl-winning Coventry Cassidy Jets quarterback Dax Michelena and some milk for his reindeer.
Now for the Premier Division. We have no interest in wasting your time, or our time, so we just went ahead and edited the Wiki page now.
In a shocking move, London Warriors head coach Tony Allen has announced he will step down from his position as “dank meme lord” at UK Gridiron Memes with immediate effect.
“It’s not a move I’m happy to make” Allen told Daily Britball. “But it’s one I have to take.”
Speaking from the control room of his death star, the two time BAFCA coach of the year said he shed a tear when he told his colleagues at UK Gridiron Memes he would be leaving.
“Yep. I came up with all the good ones. The ones with hella likes, they were all me.” Allen said. “But now it’s time to take this London Warriors lark seriously.”