2017 Britball Roundup | Week 6

Some shocking results (well, result) in Britball in Week 6. We take you around the country in our roundup.

– The London Warriors allow the Blitz a taste of victory before inevitably defeating them in the Britbowl.
– Questions arise: What will the Blitz celebrate more? Their victory over the Warriors, or their 19-3 win over the Essex Spartans?
– Associate team win! The Morecambe Bay Storm determined not to let Morecambe be known for the deaths of exploited immigrant workers, but instead for slightly above average footballing as they rise to 3-1.
– Farnham Knights tell Daily Britball “the prem is overrated anyway”.
– Our game of the week? Glasgow Tigers 16-3 Clyde Valley, with a grand total of 3 second half points.
– Teams on the “now shit” list: Clyde Valley Blackhawks, London Warriors, Edinburgh Wolves, London Olympians

Associate team going to 3-1? London Warriors lose? We begrudgingly give this week 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5, and only because the South Wales Warriors had to walk to their game.

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Apr 26th 2017 | Walney Terriers Outperformed By Actual Terrier

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The Walney Terriers, who fell 22-20 to the Morecambe Bay Storm on Sunday were actually outperformed by a spectator’s pet terrier.

The Cairn Terrier, Bobo, ran onto the pitch in the second quarter and stole the ball, and put up over 70 yards on the ground before he was caught by Cornerback Joe Springfield.

“He was able to find a hole” said Kevin Edmonds, Walney Terriers O-line coach. “Perhaps if we’d had Bobo, we wouldn’t have lost to a team I didn’t even know existed”.

Bobo couldn’t confirm his intentions when asked, but through a series of barks and giving us his paw, he told us “I’m definitely not hanging around here with this shower. I’ll probably make the trek to the Nighthawks” although he later added that he would put the film on his europlayers account and “see what happens”.

2017 Britball Round Up | Week 3

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All in all, a pretty boring week of Britball.

– Maidstone Pumas took the biggest lead in their history when they went up 6-0 against Portsmouth. However, they stuck to the script, and lost. It’s been an excellent season for them, and we look forward to seeing them again in 2017.
– Birmingham Bulls fall 32-0 to the Sandwell Steelers after both remaining Bulls transferred at half time.
– South Wales Warriors’ voluntary relegation to Division 1 continues to work out really well for them as they drop to 0-2.
– Premier South table order is already decided, as Bristol Aztecs confirm their 2017 third place with 56-13 win over Farnham.

With everything going to plan, and an associate team actually getting a win (well done the Morecambe Bay Storm), we give this week a disappointing 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

Predictions | 2017 Adult Division Two

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Yes. Apparently it isn’t made up. There really is a division below division one. And now the experts at Daily Britball have taken time out of their hectic schedule of shit stirring to tell you exactly what’s going to happen.

Trainspotting Conference | After being unable to find a coach driver willing to do the driving, the Aberdeen Roughnecks pull out of the league. Naturally Clyde Valley pull out, and nobody believes the Dumfries Hunters are a real team, leaving Glasgow Tigers to win division title by default.

Waste Of Time Conference | Whoever wins this division, Britball loses. Only one game actually gets played as every team forfeits every game. The Leeds Bobcats beat the Morecambe Bay Storm by over 300 points to claim the title.

Jobseekers’ Allowance Conference | Chester walk the division to inevitably get relegated in 2018. Crewe Railroaders are plucky enough that a low budget film about them will be made in 2048. The Lincolnshire Bombers somehow finish the season 0-25.

Wurzel Conference | Despite being the only team without receivers with 15 fingers in the division, the Bristol Apache win after several Aztec players mistakenly play a season for them. Forty-nine more players, one being a rookie who simply paid his subs on time, are inducted into the Cornish Sharks Hall Of Fame.

South South South South | The Maidstone Pumas win the division because that’s the name we drew out of the hat. A record six passes are completed in a season across all teams. Everybody starts thinking the Cheetahs are good again until they step back and appreciate who they’re actually playing.

Pretending We’re Not In London Conference | Bored of finishing second in the Prem, Josh Adamson leads a group of A-team players to the London Blitz B where they proceed to literally murder upwards of 40 hapless opponents. Wembley Stallions achieve record attendances thanks to some mistaken people googling “american football wembley”.