2017 Britball Roundup | Week 6

Some shocking results (well, result) in Britball in Week 6. We take you around the country in our roundup.

– The London Warriors allow the Blitz a taste of victory before inevitably defeating them in the Britbowl.
– Questions arise: What will the Blitz celebrate more? Their victory over the Warriors, or their 19-3 win over the Essex Spartans?
– Associate team win! The Morecambe Bay Storm determined not to let Morecambe be known for the deaths of exploited immigrant workers, but instead for slightly above average footballing as they rise to 3-1.
– Farnham Knights tell Daily Britball “the prem is overrated anyway”.
– Our game of the week? Glasgow Tigers 16-3 Clyde Valley, with a grand total of 3 second half points.
– Teams on the “now shit” list: Clyde Valley Blackhawks, London Warriors, Edinburgh Wolves, London Olympians

Associate team going to 3-1? London Warriors lose? We begrudgingly give this week 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5, and only because the South Wales Warriors had to walk to their game.

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2017 Britball Roundup | Week 4

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A few shocking results around the league. Let’s take a look at the stories behind the stories.

– London Warriors shit now after they only beat Farnham by twenty points. Double Coverage writers break speed of sound racing to their laptops to predict that Tamworth win it all this year.
– The following teams you thought were good are now also shit: Solent Thrashers, Kent Exiles and Chester Romans.
– Leicester Falcons vs Coventry Jets remained very close, suspiciously until half time, when Guy Kersey will have had time to speak to Coventry’s remaining two good players.
– South Wales’ post-season ban for dropping down a league officially no longer matters after they drop to 0-3.
– Scorestream seems to be stuck on ‘0’ next to the Birmingham Bulls logo. We’ve contacted their support team.

With zero good performances around the league, and a number of traditionally powerful teams continuing their free fall to Britball’s murky sewers, we give this week 3 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

2017 Britball Round Up | Week 3

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All in all, a pretty boring week of Britball.

– Maidstone Pumas took the biggest lead in their history when they went up 6-0 against Portsmouth. However, they stuck to the script, and lost. It’s been an excellent season for them, and we look forward to seeing them again in 2017.
– Birmingham Bulls fall 32-0 to the Sandwell Steelers after both remaining Bulls transferred at half time.
– South Wales Warriors’ voluntary relegation to Division 1 continues to work out really well for them as they drop to 0-2.
– Premier South table order is already decided, as Bristol Aztecs confirm their 2017 third place with 56-13 win over Farnham.

With everything going to plan, and an associate team actually getting a win (well done the Morecambe Bay Storm), we give this week a disappointing 2 Russ Hewitts out of 5.

Feb 22nd 2017 | Rookie Thinks Coach Bought It When He Told Him He Knew What He Was Doing

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When rookie safety Jamal Phillips was asked if he understood his role in a cover 4, sources have confirmed he nodded despite being unaware what coverage even is.

“I can’t believe it” said Doug Rollins, DC for the South Wales Warriors. “He’s just looked me in the eye and told me he understands” before grunting, shaking his head and walking away.

Apparently deciding to indefinitely stunt his development from the very beginning, Phillips opted against asking for clarification in what is only his fourth session in the sport ever.

Sources close to Phillips said that he just intended to aimlessly wander around the middle of the field, hope that the play went nowhere near him and that Coach Rollins was looking at somebody else.

“Fuck sake” said Coach Rollins. “We’ll just stick him where we stick all the other shit players, at linebacker.”

Dec 17th 2016 | London Olympians Wake Up From Terrifying Nightmare

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Olympians DB Tosin Dawudu told Daily Britball that he and his teammates just woke up from a “bizarre bad dream”.

Dawudu claims that in the horrifying dream world, the 13x British Champions and 2x European Champions went 0-10 in a season where they forfeited multiple games.

“I woke up covered in sweat” said Dawudu. “I’ve struggled to sleep since..”

Dawudu claimed he suffered the indignity of finishing below even the South Wales Warriors and were relegated to the second tier. Dawudu was “disturbed” when he found out all his teammates had “exactly the same dream.”

“Can you imagine how scary that would be if it was real?” Dawudu asked.